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UNIVERSAL LAWS

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.


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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband.

'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

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Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the car's radio? It doesn't make you see better, does it?

Have you ever wondered why you need a driver's license to buy liquor, when it's against the law to drink and drive?

Why isn't the word phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Hawaii's an island, you know. Several islands actually. And the word Interstate means 'to go between states.' So if there's no highway connecting Hawaii to the rest of the United States, don't you think it's kinda dumb to refer to Hawaiian highways as Interstates? (unless they don't....)

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Roads closed due to snowstorm, have you ever wondered how the guy who drives the snowplow gets to work?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year like they advertise, why are there locks on the doors?

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

Why do they make a Braille menu available at the drive-up window at McDonald's? A blind person can't drive a car! You have to wonder why they waste the money putting Braille menus at a drive-up window.

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment? But when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that's used on planes? The one that they always retrieve after a big crash that has the flight recorder in it? Why can't they make the whole plane out of that material.

Why do you call it a driveway when you park there, and a parkway when you drive there?

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If you think about the thoughts your thinking, do your thoughts think?

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Originally Posted by John Dohnut:
If you think about the thoughts your thinking, do your thoughts think?

If you think you smell something, and then find yourself thinking about smelly thoughts, does your brain then stink?

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Originally Posted by Shawn Ishness:

Originally Posted by John Dohnut:
If you think about the thoughts your thinking, do your thoughts think?

If you think you smell something, and then find yourself thinking about smelly thoughts, does your brain then stink?

Is it possible that stinking thinking can pollute the minds stream leaving stagnation that will amount to mental constipation bringing about forgetfulness in regards to lowering the lid do to the fact that the bowl is void of any real substance but when faced with confrontation from ones significant other in regards to that fowl scent in the air and the neglected proper protocol regarding lavatorial etiquette one will unwittedly retort with verbal diarrhea?

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The busy business man rushed into the restroom mumbling, “I don’t have time for this ****!”

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Originally Posted by John Dohnut:

Originally Posted by Shawn Ishness:

Originally Posted by John Dohnut:
If you think about the thoughts your thinking, do your thoughts think?

If you think you smell something, and then find yourself thinking about smelly thoughts, does your brain then stink?

Is it possible that stinking thinking can pollute the minds stream leaving stagnation that will amount to mental constipation bringing about forgetfulness in regards to lowering the lid do to the fact that the bowl is void of any real substance but when faced with confrontation from ones significant other in regards to that fowl scent in the air and the neglected proper protocol regarding lavatorial etiquette one will unwittedly retort with verbal diarrhea?

I think I just had a brain fart after reading that

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So, a chicken and egg are having sex. When it's over, the chicken rolls over, lights up a cigarette and is looking very frustrated. After a few drags, the chicken looks at the egg and says, "Well, I guess we know the answer to that question..."

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A women was pregnant with triplets. One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives. She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?"




he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

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Originally Posted by Shawn Ishness:
UNIVERSAL LAWS

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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband.

'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
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This made me laugh so hard I snorted!

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does anyone remember when men were men and women, women
before the prefabricated perversions of walmarts theft of the dime store
cowboys and Indians that did not sell slushies at the qwickie marts burritos
How much is that doggy in the window the one bred in vile conditions
as you drive by to pump the gas man and eat canned ham that sticks
the stock boy in a place of minimum wage as fat cats eat lobster
or was it imported shrimp the jolly green giant sold you?

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Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, ...was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

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Prostitution is illegal yet if you pay a woman to have sex with you, call her an actress, record it and post the video (of you and the prostitute) on the web it is called Pornography and this is all legal… you can even pimp your video out for a price.

*scratches head in confusion*

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I believe flatulence has a bigger impact on the environment then gas does!

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The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying something you really can’t afford, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ****.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.