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Took my son out to lunch one day and as he sat down and opened that little colorful cardboard box, pulling out a handful of shriveled up yellow sticks then a squashed brownish circular thing and lastly some cheap Chinese plastic… he looked up at me with a look of such disappointment and said, “Why do they call this a Happy Meal?”

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Awwwwww, who beat up the dough boy?

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This must be what the Walmart Smiley looked like after learning he was being retired and replaced by the "Sparkle"....

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My grandfather as he lied in bed dying of cancer in utter pain struggled to speak moments before he passed away whispered to my grandmother, “The money is in a cigar box hidden in the basement…”

Now my grandfather was a crazy old man so my grandmother sorta scratched her head like, “What money is he talking about?” but then knowing how strange he was she thought that was something he would do. So she went and search and searched, looking for that box… and then she looked some more… getting frustrated as she rummaged around, “Where the hell did he put that damn box!!!”

As I sat there on the basement steps I started thinking about how I missed my grandfather and the funny stories he would tell me… how he once pulled a practical joke on his grandmother that got her so mad she refused to talk to him for three years and even made him give the piano she gave him to his cousin!

At that moment seeing my grandmother searching I started laughing my ass off, “Grandma, he was pulling your leg!”

Even on his death bed… Now that is a Head Game

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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.   A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.   Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN:      "Hello"

WOMAN:  "Hi Honey, it's me.  Are you at the club?"
MAN:      "Yes."
WOMAN:  "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.  It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN:     "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN:    "How much?"

WOMAN:    "$90,000."
MAN:    "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN:  Great! Oh,  and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted  last year is back on the market.  They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN:     "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000.  They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN:     "OK.  I'll see you later!  I love you so much!"
MAN:     "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up.  The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.  He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is ?"

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This is what happens when you glue someone's slippers to the floor

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This is when you know you're about to have a crappy day!

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I find it humorous how attractive women misinterpret, “not giving a ****” with “confidence.”

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One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went
down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.

Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence
with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated
his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd.

The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his
discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he
could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head
with the blanket.

"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you
about this."

"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with
you!"

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If you are 36, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.  You've got it so easy!  I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!  And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet.  If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!  

2) There was no email!!  We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!  Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!  Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us.  As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes!  If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!  There were no CD players!  We had tape decks in our car.  We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless.  Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby!  Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting!  If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!!  Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!!  And then there's TEXTING.  Yeah, right.  Please!  You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!  It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!!  You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!  We had the Atari 2600!  With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'.  Your screen guy was a little square!  You actually had to use your imagination!!!  And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever!  And you could never win.  The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!  Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!  You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!!  NO REMOTES!!!  Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.  Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

12) And we didn't have microwaves.  If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove!  Imagine that!  

13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long.  Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort.  And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please!  Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on.  If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!  

See!  That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten!  You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970   or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd

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This ought to make you feel better about  your computer skills!
=================================  
Tech  support:    What kind of computer do you have?  
  Customer:    A  white one...

    ===============

Customer:    Hi,  this is Celine .. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support:   Have you tried pushing  the Button?
Customer:    Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech  support:    That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer:    No , wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry...

  ===============


Tech  support:  ;   Click  on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer:    Your left or my left?


    ===============


Tech  support:    Good  day. How may I help you?
Male  customer:    Hello... I can't print..
Tech support: Would you click on  'start'  for me and....
Customer:   Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates..


    ===============


Customer:    Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find  printer'.  I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..


    ==============

Customer:   I have  problems printing in red....
Tech  support:    Do you have a color printer?
Customer:    Aaaah....................thank you.


    ===============


Tech  support:    What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer:    A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.


    ===============


Customer:   My keyboard  is not working anymore.
Tech  support:   Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer:   No. I can't  get behind the computer.
Tech  support:    Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: !   OK
Tech support:   Did the  keyboard come with you?
Customer:  Yes
Tech support:   That means the keyboard  is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer:   Yes, there's another one here. Ah that one does work..


   =============


Tech  support:    Your password is the small letter 'a' as in  apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer:   Is that 7 in capital  letters ?


   ===============


Customer:   I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support:    Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer:   Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it..
Tech  support:    Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer:   Five dots.


   ===============


Tech  support:    What  anti-virus program do you use?
Customer:   Netscape.
Tech support:   That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer:   Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..


    ===============


Customer:     I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

   ===============

Tech support:    How may I help you?
Customer:   I'm writing my first email.
Tech support:    OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer:   Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?


    ===============


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support:   Are you running it under windows?
Customer:   'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'


    ===============


And last but not least...


Tech  support: 'Okay Bob, let's  press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program  Manager.'
Customer:   I don't have a P.
Tech  support:   On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer:   What do you mean?
Tech support:   'P'.....on  your keyboard, Bob..
Customer:   I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

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WHY WOMEN CAN'T SLEEP

Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works? Well, it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:



Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.

A man has only 2 balls. They consume all his thoughts, and he sleeps like a baby.

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I have never heard of a man with blue balls sleeping like a baby... unless the baby has colic and is whining and crying all night.

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Why is Smurfette the only female smurf?

The creator of the smurfs was an alcoholic and spent all his time in bars and one night realized that an hour before the bar closed all the drunken men would start wanting to find a lady friend… He also noticed that there seemed to only be one woman left in the bar by this time… Every stupid man would be hitting on her… He laughed at these silly dogs… no one will get laid by Smurfette… they will all end up with blue balls…

Now you know the story behind the smurfs...