OFFLINE

When my Godfather told me to whack the Weasel I didn't realize he meant Jimmy.

OFFLINE

New research shows that Researchers don't use common sense when doing research. This leads one to come to the assumption, Investors that pay Researchers to do research on topics that have clearly been understood for thousands of years, are real bad at making financial decisions.

New research shows that the majority of Research Investors are Bankers and or Politicians.

OFFLINE

this one STILL cracks me up

Why did the chicken cross the road?


SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions.   I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken
learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?  That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay.   And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.   Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

OFFLINE

  A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora', because:

1.. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador', because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model...

The women won.

OFFLINE

Have you ever had the feeling bugs are crawling all over you?


(no, you are not crazy, just real bad at picking a good picnic area.)

OFFLINE

Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar
with a great big smile on his face.
Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so happy for?'

'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya..
Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat,
and a redhead came up to me..
Boobs out to here, Bob. boobs out to here!
She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat'?
I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out, Bob. I turned off the key and I said
' It's either screw or swim! She couldn't swim, Bob. She couldn't swim!"

The next day Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar
with a even bigger smile on his face.
Bob says, 'What are you happy about today Mike?'

'Well Bob... I gotta tell ya...
Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat
and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me..
Boobs out to here, Bob. Boobs out to here!
She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out, Bob. Way out much further than the last one.
I turned off the key and I said, It's either screw or swim!'
She couldn't swim, Bob! She couldn't swim!'

A couple days pass and Bob walks into a bar
and sees Mike cryin over a beer.

Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so sad for?'
'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya ....
. Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat,
and the most desirable brunette came up to me..
Boobs WAY out to here, Bob. boobs WAY out to here.
She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.
So I took her way out, Bob, way WAY out...
Much further than the last two
I turned off the key, and looked at her boobs
and said It's either screw or swim!'

She pulled down her pants and .....
She had a pecker, BOB!
She had this great BIG pecker!..

And I can't swim BOB! I can't swim!"

OFFLINE

OFFLINE

FUNNY T SHIRTS ...

OFFLINE

During the Napoleonic Wars a British officer was captured and held prisoner in Napoleon’s camp.

Napoleon decided to pay this officer a visit.

“I always wondered,” Napoleon said, “why do you British wear red uniforms? It makes you so easy to ...see; there’s nowhere to hide. It makes you such easy targets; why would you wear them?”

“We wear them for the morale of the troops,” the officer replied. “When one of our soldiers gets shot, the other soldiers do not see the blood on the red uniforms, and they do not lose heart and keep fighting.”

After that conversation, Napoleon decreed that all French soldiers wear brown trousers.

OFFLINE

In the midst of mountain men the midget’s but a molehill.

OFFLINE

lol, I just said, "Midget's But"

OFFLINE

Originally Posted by John Dohnut:
lol, I just said, "Midget's But"

hahaha

OFFLINE

If hell froze over would that mean the devil has blue balls?


(don't ask me... I just write this stuff)

OFFLINE

Slamming steel the woodworker was misplaced in a world of lubrications.


(see what I mean... what the?)

OFFLINE

WHAT TO DO WITH SNOW