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Things my mother taught me


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."


2. My mother taught me RELIGION.  
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3.  My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.  
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.  
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8.  My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11.  My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16.. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20.  My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.  
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you.  Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.  
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my  favorite:

25.  My mother taught me about JUSTICE  .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you ! "

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A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Wales, and Ireland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Irish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?'

The man broke into a big smile and said, ‘no’.

She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in.'

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5-Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor..

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3



An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.



Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients..'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your
friend.

(3 ) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!













  

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If you clean everything within sight, it's OCD.

If you eat everything within sight, it's OBCD!

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A Russian arrives in  New York City  as a new immigrant to the  United
States  . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and
says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country,  giving me
housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country
here in America  ."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes
his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from  Middle East. I am not
American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"



The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work." "Probably at work."

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How long can a man tread water in a desert?

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Originally Posted by John Dohnut:
How long can a man tread water in a desert?

Only as far as he can part the sand

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You can tip toe in the sand but it will still leave tracks for all to see.

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Originally Posted by Ron Bradley:
If you clean everything within sight, it's OCD.

If you eat everything within sight, it's OBCD!

That's deep, Ron...

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Originally Posted by Bob Clair:

Originally Posted by Ron Bradley:
If you clean everything within sight, it's OCD.

If you eat everything within sight, it's OBCD!

That's deep, Ron...

Thanks Bob.....that was during one of my Ghandi moments!  

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Originally Posted by Ron Bradley:
If you clean everything within sight, it's OCD.

If you eat everything within sight, it's OBCD!

Although I hate to admit this.. I dont get it....  What is OBCD???

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OBCD = Overly Bearded Citrus Drink

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If we have a Head Games thread, does that also mean we can have an Ass Games thread too? What would an Ass Game thread consist of?

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Originally Posted by Shawn Ishness:
If we have a Head Games thread, does that also mean we can have an Ass Games thread too? What would an Ass Game thread consist of?

If there is an ass thread, what ever you do don't pull their finger!

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Originally Posted by John Dohnut:

Originally Posted by Shawn Ishness:
If we have a Head Games thread, does that also mean we can have an Ass Games thread too? What would an Ass Game thread consist of?

If there is an ass thread, what ever you do don't pull their finger!

Well, they just keep sticking it up at me ,,!,, lol I thought it was an invitation or something