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A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.
I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu.
Champagne, Shrimp cocktail, Lobster a nice Puligny Montrachet followed by some Louis XIII.

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like this when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a blow job.";

I asked her if she wanted dessert.

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"It's called the American 'Dream' because to actually experience something that nice, you have to be asleep." - George Carlin

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Originally Posted by Ron Bradlee:

hahahaha I'm just starting to read thru the threads just joining the other day, and this struck me funny.  LOL Hafta see what else is in here.  

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A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The
officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with
it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born
Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went
through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got
my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a
doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree,
so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant
and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the
ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD
leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

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I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is  66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors -  green, red, orange, and blue.

My Dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my Dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:  "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid,

"Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

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What do you get when someone throws a wet blanket on your dreams? WET DREAMS!