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Jokes, Quotes, Funny Video's...anything Cool and happening?...

You **got 'em**?..bring 'em on!...just remember to stay within the rules....

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Two quotes I recently collected that I like:

It is better to be violent if there’s violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of non-violence to cover impotence. –Gandhi (Don’t be afraid to fight for what you believe in!),,, This came from the movie The A-Team which turned out to be way better than I expected.

...and

I don’t have to do nuthin but stay black and die! –Morgan Freeman as Joe Clark in the movie Lean On Me,,,, I just love this line,,,


...now I've got some cool jokes recently,,, off to find them

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Comments made in the year 1955!
(That's55years ago!)


'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way
they are, it's going to be impossible
To buy a week's groceries for $2,000.


'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?
It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a
used one.

'If cigarettes keep going up in price,
I'm going to quit.
A quarter a pack is ridiculous.

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about
charging a dime just to mail a letter?

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00,
Nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'

'When I first started driving,
Who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon..
Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more..
Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying
DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND,
It seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks
it's possible to put a man on the moon by the
end of the century.
They even have some fellows they call astronauts
preparing for it down in Texas .

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a
contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball?
It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be
making more than the President.

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen
appliances would be electric.
They are even making electric typewriters now.

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays..
I see where a few married women are having to work
to make ends meet.

'It won't be long before young couples are going to
have to hire someone
To watch their kids so they can both work.

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the
door to a whole lot of foreign business.

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the
Government takes half our income in taxes.
I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best
people to congress.

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather,
But I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

'There is no sense going to Lincoln
or Omaha any more for a weekend,
It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.

'No one can afford to be sick anymore,
At $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for
my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'

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The Perfect Couple


Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus, with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer.


















The perfect woman survived. She's the only one that existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

***Women stop here. That is the end of the joke.
***Men keep scrolling











So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving, and that explains why there was a car accident.


By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

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There’s an interesting study of a guy in Sweden who actually goes blind while having sex. Well, apparently his wife is divorcing him for, ahem, not seeing someone else. (Jacked from Jay Leno)

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"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed."
Albert Einstein

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A paraprosdokian (from Greek "παρα-", meaning "beyond" and "προσδοκία", meaning "expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

Many of these are priceless!

Ø   I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø   The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Ø   If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Ø   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Ø   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Ø   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Ø   A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Ø   I thought I wanted a career.  It turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Ø   A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Ø   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

Ø   I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø   You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Ø   The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø   Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Ø   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Ø   Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even when you wish they were.

Ø   Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø   Some cause happiness wherever they go: Others whenever they go.

Ø   There's a fine line between cuddling, and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Ø   I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Ø   I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

Ø   When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Ø   You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø   To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Ø   Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Ø   Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

Ø   A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are running after it as when you are in it.

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//www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLK_d7ZWpuA

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Anybody want an old woodie?

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A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time there was a rich and handsome king.
He sent fliers throughout his kingdom promising that whoever
brought him the head of the fearsome dragon that was terrorizing the countryside
could have all of his wealth or the hand of his lovely daughter in marriage.
Of course, all the able-bodied men in the kingdom went off in pursuit.
Three days later a fellow arrived at the palace door bearing the bloody head of the dragon.
"Well done," exclaimed the king.
"You may have my beautiful daughter's hand."
"Thanks, but I don't want your daughter," said the man.
"I see. Come with me to empty out the treasury," offered the king.
"Thanks, but I don't want your money either.
I want YOU, sweetie!"
So they lived happily ever after.
See, I told you it was a fairy tale.

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The Navy Invented Sex

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.

After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima .'

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway'.

'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'

The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'

The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'

The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones .'

The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Navy invented sex!'

The Marine thinks for a moment, then replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'