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Originally Posted by Denise Jones:
I feel the same way, in that I have so much going on that I just don't have the time or energy to put into a relationship right now, but I do wonder if it is a self defeating prophecy. or my way of making me feel better so that I am not feeling bad for not being out and about dating?

IMO, it's only self-defeating if our prioritizing our adult and time-consuming responsibilities is a distortion of sorts or just a flat out lie.

Yanno how some say that relationships are all about sacrifice? (Well, not everyone says this) But regarding sacrifice, I think it's relative also to what we value. For me, I need to prioritize my responsibilities or major portions of my life fall apart. But, pair-bonded relationships are also of great value. But it seems to me that if we drop the ball on our responsibilities (ahem, sacrifice) to spend time seeking relationships, then BOTH our lives and relationships or relationship potentials can (but not always) fall apart.

Regarding an old idea that there's someone out there for everyone, it's a nice idea, but I'm not sure that everyone is really suited for a relationship - right now. Maybe right now, for some people, what needs to be sacrificed are relationships.

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Originally Posted by Shawn Ishness:

Originally Posted by Denise Jones:
I feel the same way, in that I have so much going on that I just don't have the time or energy to put into a relationship right now, but I do wonder if it is a self defeating prophecy. or my way of making me feel better so that I am not feeling bad for not being out and about dating?

IMO, it's only self-defeating if our prioritizing our adult and time-consuming responsibilities is a distortion of sorts or just a flat out lie.

Yanno how some say that relationships are all about sacrifice? (Well, not everyone says this) But regarding sacrifice, I think it's relative also to what we value   For me, I need to prioritize my responsibilities or major portions of my life fall apart. But, pair-bonded relationships are also of great value. But it seems to me that if we drop the ball on our responsibilities (ahem, sacrifice) to spend time seeking relationships, then BOTH our lives and relationships or relationship potentials can (but not always) fall apart.

I don't see where huge sacrifices come into play at the beginning of a relationship.  The beginning or start of a dating relationship should be fun and easy ... no sacrifices.  No expectations.  You don't really even know the person.  

Sacrifice in my mind is reserved for established and committed relationships.

I think it smart and unselfish of a person to realize that the timing is all off just right now ... and then not seek others until a bit of time is freed up in order to give the attention deserved to attempting to start something with someone.  Not to mention mixed signals could be sent to someone who contacts you when you do not respond right away or seem uninterested because you are so distracted by other obligations.  This could be an awesome fellow and you blow it because you simply don't have time ... not fair to him or yourself.

For me, waiting until mid-summer is the right decision ... and I hope everyone else' worlds come together so you too can seek what you desire

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Originally Posted by Teri Lacy:
I don't see where huge sacrifices come into play at the beginning of a relationship.  The beginning or start of a dating relationship should be fun and easy ... no sacrifices.  No expectations.  You don't really even know the person.

If I were to date a woman with the intentions of seeking a long term partner/marriage, then I would have expectations. One expectation is that they’re putting forth a genuine effort to discern their long term interest and compatibility with me - just as I am with them, which greatly implies our getting to know each other.

This doesn’t mean that we’re presenting each other with a long and convoluted check-off list of preferences and whatnot each and every time we see each other, that’s overkill, but we’re still exercising our discernment of interest, attraction, and long-term compatibility nonetheless. And if a woman I’m dating doesn’t share this with me, then I wouldn’t think she’s taking our relationship seriously.

Here I used the word “seriously.” I think that in itself is an important point of relationship compatibility. Some people aren’t interested in taking their relationships seriously; they’d rather have a good time. Well that might be how it seems to me from the outside looking in anyways. But where one couple defines taking their relationship seriously, another couple might see it as carefree, or vice versa.

But again on compatibility, I think how two potential partners define the idea of taking a relationship seriously greatly attributes to how compatible they are for anything long term. And as a point of disinterest to me, relationships that seem to me to be carefree don’t weather well nor stand the test of time.

But since conventional dating has proven to fail most of the time in forming long term marriages, this path doesn’t interest me so I favor the way of friends first. I think friends first relationships have fewer expectations than does dating for potential long-term marriage partners. But even in my just being friends with someone, there are some conditions or expectations in the mix. It seems to me that without any degree of conditions or expectations even at a level of friendship, then that increases people’s chances of forming toxic relationships with others.

But socially speaking, I don’t feel it’s favorable to say one person’s way is right or wrong. IMO, I think it’s favorable to simply respect our feelings of compatibility or incompatibility. If two people genuinely feel compatible, great. If they feel incompatible, then just move on without labeling them in the various ways that often happen. I think my only reason for saying this is because when we start labeling or even slandering people whom things didn’t work out well with, then it may over time harden us more and more, which in turn reduces our emotional availability for relationships altogether.

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Originally Posted by Teri Lacy:
I think it smart and unselfish of a person to realize that the timing is all off just right now ... and then not seek others until a bit of time is freed up in order to give the attention deserved to attempting to start something with someone.  Not to mention mixed signals could be sent to someone who contacts you when you do not respond right away or seem uninterested because you are so distracted by other obligations.  This could be an awesome fellow and you blow it because you simply don't have time ... not fair to him or yourself.

This I absolutely agree with.

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I think it smart and unselfish of a person to realize that the timing is all off just right now ... and then not seek others until a bit of time is freed up in order to give the attention deserved to attempting to start something with someone. Not to mention mixed signals could be sent to someone who contacts you when you do not respond right away or seem uninterested because you are so distracted by other obligations. This could be an awesome fellow and you blow it because you simply don't have time ... not fair to him or yourself.

This happened to me. I met a nice fellow but I was extremely busy with school and still going through my divorce and everything was just too complicated. Now he's with someone I know and she's ecstatically happy with her "wonderful" man.  {ice pick to the heart}.

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I am a firm believer Michele, that everything happens (or doesn't happen) for a reason ...

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Originally Posted by Teri Lacy:
I am a firm believer Michele, that everything happens (or doesn't happen) for a reason ...

I believe that too....and that people come into your life for a reason and a lesson.  It's better to learn from the life you've lived than to regret it.