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My advice:  Don't put so much pressure on yourself OR on the guys that are trying to communicate with you.  If they are assuming that you are looking for something that your are not, just set them straight in an honest, kind, and friendly manner. Let them see that you are smart and self-assured, and that in order to feel safe you are not going to be pressured into moving faster than you are comfortable with.  For me that meant you will not know my phone number until you've met a certain level of trust, and you will not know where I live until after at least a few dates...that's just basic saftety, and if you can't respect that...move along please, because there are plenty of guys who respect a woman's need to feel safe.

If a guy writes to you and seems too pushy, just tell him "I'm sure you're a wonderful guy, but I'm looking for..." and just be honest. You  may find out that he's relieved to just find a friend to talk to.  I made many friends through online dating sites that I either never dated or just dated once.

"Friendship", "dating", "relationship"....those words can mean different things to different people.  Friendship could mean friends with benefits.  Once you start communicating online, be specific about what you want/need, and find out if you are on the same page.

As far as someone writing to you more than once when you aren't responding...my guy wrote to me 3 times before I answered. LOL. I thought for sure he couldn't be seriously interested in me...he was younger than me, so good-looking, and didn't have any kids. Thankfully, he's a very patient guy!

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Originally Posted by Michele McPhalen:
Thanks for your input Teri.  See, the fact that these sites offer the option of friendship should indicate it is not JUST for dating but everyone looks at these sites as exclusively for dating.  I may be wrong in assuming I can just find friends that might possibly evolve into a relationship. I'm already feeling pressure and I haven't really gotten to know anybody yet.  I'm beginning to feel like maybe I should just stay single for life if this is the way it's going to be (pressure cooker relationships).  

Well to me, friendship and dating are somewhat interchangeable.
I really think with all the reservations and problems you are experiencing, and feeling pressured ... it's simply not the right time for you to get back in the mix ...

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PS ... Sue always gives fabulous advice !!!

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Originally Posted by Teri Lacy:
PS ... Sue always gives fabulous advice !!!

It would be better advice if I had checked my spelling first! ;p

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Originally Posted by Michele McPhalen:
Ok. Problem solved. Tell me if I was wrong but he was getting on my last nerve.  He responded with "Aren't we friends?" lol. That to me implies that I shouldn't be on the site looking for other friends and just touches me as a bit too pushy.  I told him, "No, we are not friends. I don't like people being pushy about friendship. I don't like people being pushy about staying at my place if I agree to go out with them." and I ended with:"I hope this answers your question because that's the last you'll hear from me." Yes, I'm in a foul mood and probably was a little harsh, but I really think he was too pushy for my tastes.

I'm not sure about the general tone of how this was delivered. When I've seen and heard it, it's comes across as a form of Guilt-Tripping Manipulation and/or intimidation. If they're being like this now, then I could only imagine what it might be like later.

I don't think your reaction to him was harsh, but maybe just a waste of time. IMO, discontinuing any further interaction with them is more favorable than even any form of written or spoken rejection.

Part of a manipulator's tactic is provoking a response, regardless of the context, attitude, or personality within the response. The point is to maintain any form of dialogue because it lengthens their stance in power-over whomever they're trying to manipulate. Not always, but sometimes this sense of power-over results in breaking down their target's personal defenses and personal boundaries leaving them with a way in. Or many other times, they're merely feeling gratified in their ability to play with another person's emotions, even knowing there will likely be no way in. But if they're completely cut off (blocked) as soon as disinterest arises, then they're typically left without any means of continued manipulation, which in turn leaves you more emotionally available should another more appropriate person cross paths with you.

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You may have some good points there Shawn, but for me personally, I can't live my life dissecting and analyzing everyone's words and intentions... or trying to outthink a possible manipulator.  I find it easier, less stressful, and more peaceful, to look for the good in all people, while at the same time keeping myself at a safe distance...just in case... until I can get a better feeling for their true nature....good or bad...but it's usually good, though not always compatible.

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Originally Posted by Tiramisu Sue:
You may have some good points there Shawn, but for me personally, I can't live my life dissecting and analyzing everyone's words and intentions... or trying to outthink a possible manipulator.  I find it easier, less stressful, and more peaceful, to look for the good in all people, while at the same time keeping myself at a safe distance...just in case... until I can get a better feeling for their true nature....good or bad...but it's usually good, though not always compatible.

I don't think there's a great deal of dissecting or outthinking happening when, for example, I quickly and completely disconnect from a person trying to violate my boundaries or disrespect me personally.

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For the fun of it, I want to respond to the notion of trying to outthink a manipulator. Personally, I don't find it favorable to even try. Typically, skilled manipulators are very good at what they do, so long as they're targeting someone they're actually able to manipulate or seduce into verbal battle. But since a skilled manipulator's wit is typically unmatched, taking up rounds with them is mindless babble. But to quickly see and recognize a manipulator for what they are while cutting them off completely enables a person to better spend their time with kinder and more compatible people.

What has always humored me about recognizing manipulation when it's at hand is that you don't have to get all Cal Lightman on them. You don't have to understand all the tiny ins and outs of how manipulation exists and works. You can, however, simply FEEL its resonance. And if you feel it, then simply disconnect from that person immediately and move on. And for that matter, a stranger doesn't automatically deserve any kind of explanation as to your rejection of them, so why bother giving them one?

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Originally Posted by Tiramisu Sue:
You may have some good points there Shawn, but for me personally, I can't live my life dissecting and analyzing everyone's words and intentions... or trying to outthink a possible manipulator.  I find it easier, less stressful, and more peaceful, to look for the good in all people, while at the same time keeping myself at a safe distance...just in case... until I can get a better feeling for their true nature....good or bad...but it's usually good, though not always compatible.

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Thanks Sue, Shawn and Teri.  It did feel quite manipulative to me because I was feeling a tad bit guilty but short of telling him, "Hey, I'm not attracted to you, get over it", which I would feel terrible saying, there was really no kind way of disconnecting myself from this guy. However, once he started being pushy, that just pushed my anger button and let's just say right now is not a good time to do that. LOL!

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Originally Posted by Michele McPhalen:
Thanks Sue, Shawn and Teri.  It did feel quite manipulative to me because I was feeling a tad bit guilty but short of telling him, "Hey, I'm not attracted to you, get over it", which I would feel terrible saying, there was really no kind way of disconnecting myself from this guy. However, once he started being pushy, that just pushed my anger button and let's just say right now is not a good time to do that. LOL!

Michael Landon said in the very first episode of Highway To Heaven "Kindness is free!" I thought it was an interesting idea at first, and then I found myself disagreeing. Sometimes kindness yields continued dysfunction. But then if we put our focus onto ourselves and exercise kindness inwardly, then I think it might not really matter if we're perceived as kind or unkind by some maladaptive person who's disrespecting or violating us.

Personally, when I feel it's time to cut off someone who's disrespecting or violating me, I just simply do it without saying a word. I'm being kind to myself by not allowing a disrespecting person into my life. And, the idea of their perceiving my actions as unkind (or whatever) is actually humorous to me since it was they who disrespected or violated me,,, go figure.

But simply put, subsequent discourse with such a person equals drama.

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Originally Posted by Shawn Ishness:

Originally Posted by Michele McPhalen:
Thanks Sue, Shawn and Teri.  It did feel quite manipulative to me because I was feeling a tad bit guilty but short of telling him, "Hey, I'm not attracted to you, get over it", which I would feel terrible saying, there was really no kind way of disconnecting myself from this guy. However, once he started being pushy, that just pushed my anger button and let's just say right now is not a good time to do that. LOL!

Michael Landon said in the very first episode of Highway To Heaven "Kindness is free!" I thought it was an interesting idea at first, and then I found myself disagreeing. Sometimes kindness yields continued dysfunction. But then if we put our focus onto ourselves and exercise kindness inwardly, then I think it might not really matter if we're perceived as kind or unkind by some maladaptive person who's disrespecting or violating us.

Personally, when I feel it's time to cut off someone who's disrespecting or violating me, I just simply do it without saying a word. I'm being kind to myself by not allowing a disrespecting person into my life. And, the idea of their perceiving my actions as unkind (or whatever) is actually humorous to me since it was they who disrespected or violated me,,, go figure.

But simply put, subsequent discourse with such a person equals drama.

Well, in that case, when you see the red flags and it just doesn't feel right, a simple "sorry, not interested" shoud be enough. Granted, that doesn't always work with all people, and sometimes simply ignoring them doesn't work. You don't necessarily have to be "unkind"...just a simple calm reminder that they may want to get a life and move on in order to avoid a restraining order...lol. Seriously, I've had to do that twice in my lifetime, and it usually does he job!

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Originally Posted by Tiramisu Sue:
Well, in that case, when you see the red flags and it just doesn't feel right, a simple "sorry, not interested" shoud be enough. Granted, that doesn't always work with all people, and sometimes simply ignoring them doesn't work. You don't necessarily have to be "unkind"...just a simple calm reminder that they may want to get a life and move on in order to avoid a restraining order...lol. Seriously, I've had to do that twice in my lifetime, and it usually does he job!

Hi Sue, I have a rather off the wall question for ya here. How do you feel about the idea of a married person sticking their wedding ring in a person's face whom they're rejecting? Kinda like:

(Sticks ring up in person's face) "SEE, I'M MARRIED, YOU CAN'T HAVE ME! I'M NOT INTERESTED!"

Like you said, a "sorry, not interested" ought to be enough. But the idea of a person objectifying their wedding ring in this fashion has always felt a bit off to me. Granted, "Not interested" often influences a pursuer's increased game. But when that happens, I find it often looks like an act of aggression that out to be simply regarded as physical assault and dealt with accordingly.

Whuduyah think?

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I'm confused ... why would you be pursuing a married person ?  How would the scenario described above come about ?

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Originally Posted by Shawn Ishness:

Originally Posted by Tiramisu Sue:
Well, in that case, when you see the red flags and it just doesn't feel right, a simple "sorry, not interested" shoud be enough. Granted, that doesn't always work with all people, and sometimes simply ignoring them doesn't work. You don't necessarily have to be "unkind"...just a simple calm reminder that they may want to get a life and move on in order to avoid a restraining order...lol. Seriously, I've had to do that twice in my lifetime, and it usually does he job!

Hi Sue, I have a rather off the wall question for ya here. How do you feel about the idea of a married person sticking their wedding ring in a person's face whom they're rejecting? Kinda like:

(Sticks ring up in person's face) "SEE, I'M MARRIED, YOU CAN'T HAVE ME! I'M NOT INTERESTED!"

Like you said, a "sorry, not interested" ought to be enough. But the idea of a person objectifying their wedding ring in this fashion has always felt a bit off to me. Granted, "Not interested" often influences a pursuer's increased game. But when that happens, I find it often looks like an act of aggression that out to be simply regarded as physical assault and dealt with accordingly.

Whuduyah think?

Hmmm....Well I'm going to tae the liberty of assuming a plausible scenario here....maybe there is some flirting going on in a bar...the pursuer is unaware of someone's marital status.  Perhaps the ringwearer is getting annoyed by someone who won't seem to take a hint....so in frustration they pull out the "I'm married" card and thrust the ring finger in the offender's face as proof...which might be less rude that other fingers..lol.

Now...if someone stuck their ring in my face in that way, I'm afraid I'd have to laugh and say "Chill out dude , I don't want you, I was just being friendly.  But if you like I'll tell your wife you're being a good boy"  

Not sure what you're referring to as physical assaut.