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Originally Posted by Tiramisu Sue:

Originally Posted by Shawn Ishness:

Originally Posted by Tiramisu Sue:
Well, in that case, when you see the red flags and it just doesn't feel right, a simple "sorry, not interested" shoud be enough. Granted, that doesn't always work with all people, and sometimes simply ignoring them doesn't work. You don't necessarily have to be "unkind"...just a simple calm reminder that they may want to get a life and move on in order to avoid a restraining order...lol. Seriously, I've had to do that twice in my lifetime, and it usually does he job!

Hi Sue, I have a rather off the wall question for ya here. How do you feel about the idea of a married person sticking their wedding ring in a person's face whom they're rejecting? Kinda like:

(Sticks ring up in person's face) "SEE, I'M MARRIED, YOU CAN'T HAVE ME! I'M NOT INTERESTED!"

Like you said, a "sorry, not interested" ought to be enough. But the idea of a person objectifying their wedding ring in this fashion has always felt a bit off to me. Granted, "Not interested" often influences a pursuer's increased game. But when that happens, I find it often looks like an act of aggression that out to be simply regarded as physical assault and dealt with accordingly.

Whuduyah think?

Hmmm....Well I'm going to tae the liberty of assuming a plausible scenario here....maybe there is some flirting going on in a bar...the pursuer is unaware of someone's marital status.  Perhaps the ringwearer is getting annoyed by someone who won't seem to take a hint....so in frustration they pull out the "I'm married" card and thrust the ring finger in the offender's face as proof...which might be less rude that other fingers..lol.

Now...if someone stuck their ring in my face in that way, I'm afraid I'd have to laugh and say "Chill out dude , I don't want you, I was just being friendly.  But if you like I'll tell your wife you're being a good boy"  

Not sure what you're referring to as physical assaut.

The scenario you described here is nearly identical to what I've seen so many times at a membership club I used to belong to as well as some places I've worked. But the physical assault comes in the form of the pursuer becoming touchy/feely (sexually aggressive) towards the married person who's not wanting it.

Anywho, when it's happened to me, on the surface I didn't think it mattered why I wasn't interested or what my marital status was. What seemed to matter at the time was my saying "No!" But then one time in a completely different setting, after my divorce actually, I asked a woman why is it that some people become so aggressive towards a married person? Her response was rather shocking, and something to the effect of "Because they want to prove to themselves that the person they're pursuing isn't any better (at monogamy/fidelity I presume?) than THEY are, and the married person's ring just influences the pursuer's trying harder to prove it!" At the time I accepted that answer....

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I was under the impression that people who go after married/unavailable partners do so because they don't want a serious relationship.

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Originally Posted by Tiramisu Sue:
I was under the impression that people who go after married/unavailable partners do so because they don't want a serious relationship.

I think the reasons are as endless are they are people doing it. In opposition to what you've said, I've known some married people to seek other married people because they WERE looking for a serious relationship (meaning they're currently miserably married), and the reason for specifically seeking a married partner was because they felt it would offer more understanding and compatibility. I've always thought it was twisted in a sad but true way. But I just come back to saying that there are as many different reasons as there are people doing it.

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Originally Posted by Shawn Ishness:

Originally Posted by Tiramisu Sue:
I was under the impression that people who go after married/unavailable partners do so because they don't want a serious relationship.

I think the reasons are as endless are they are people doing it. In opposition to what you've said, I've known some married people to seek other married people because they WERE looking for a serious relationship (meaning they're currently miserably married), and the reason for specifically seeking a married partner was because they felt it would offer more understanding and compatibility. I've always thought it was twisted in a sad but true way. But I just come back to saying that there are as many different reasons as there are people doing it.

I need to reword that. It's not really "in opposition" to what you said. It's more like in complement to it instead.

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Terri, I'm guessing you would be incredibly popular on a dating site.  I've had a couple of relationships from the sites and have never had a bad experience.  You do have to be a little blunt at times.  If i might also suggest meetup.com which is an interest site where you can find groups of people who have similar interests without the dating pressure. I've met some great folks there, including a romantic interest.

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Originally Posted by Coby Anderson:
Terri, I'm guessing you would be incredibly popular on a dating site.  I've had a couple of relationships from the sites and have never had a bad experience.  You do have to be a little blunt at times.  If i might also suggest meetup.com which is an interest site where you can find groups of people who have similar interests without the dating pressure. I've met some great folks there, including a romantic interest.

Thanks Coby ... life is just too complicate and a bit crazy for me just now ... I hope it will slow down soon (or by mid-summer) and I'll give "dating" another go.  Meetup.com sounds interesting ... gonna check it out ... HUGS

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I'm not having any luck. All these guys saying they want to meet but none are messaging me. I'm not brazen enough to message them unless they respond first. Been lonely since my divorce and really just looking for friends right now because like Teri, things are a little complicated right now. About ready to give up.

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Originally Posted by Michele McPhalen:
I'm not having any luck. All these guys saying they want to meet but none are messaging me. I'm not brazen enough to message them unless they respond first. Been lonely since my divorce and really just looking for friends right now because like Teri, things are a little complicated right now. About ready to give up.

Sorry to hear this Michele.  My problem is not in having no interest, I've had plenty of it but every time I try to plan something with some of these interesting men ... life gets in the way.

I'm booked with a family wedding (and all that goes with that) until first week of July ... end of school stuff with youngest ... my daughter has a ton of issues that sucks a lot of emotional energy from me (never know from day to day)  ... and my oldest and his GF will be moving home end of this month.

I just do not think it fair to start a dating friendship with someone right now when odds are I'm going to have to cancel or not be able to give him the time or emotional energy he deserves.  There is just not enough "me" time to go around right now ... *sigh*

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Originally Posted by Teri Lacy:

Originally Posted by Michele McPhalen:
I'm not having any luck. All these guys saying they want to meet but none are messaging me. I'm not brazen enough to message them unless they respond first. Been lonely since my divorce and really just looking for friends right now because like Teri, things are a little complicated right now. About ready to give up.

Sorry to hear this Michele.  My problem is not in having no interest, I've had plenty of it but every time I try to plan something with some of these interesting men ... life gets in the way.

I'm booked with a family wedding (and all that goes with that) until first week of July ... end of school stuff with youngest ... my daughter has a ton of issues that sucks a lot of emotional energy from me (never know from day to day)  ... and my oldest and his GF will be moving home end of this month.

I just do not think it fair to start a dating friendship with someone right now when odds are I'm going to have to cancel or not be able to give him the time or emotional energy he deserves.  There is just not enough "me" time to go around right now ... *sigh*

There's no lack of interest for me either. I just have too many complications that would make a relationship impossible right now. I'm trying to finish school. Going for my Bachelor's degree. I'm still living in the house my ex got in the divorce and when I graduate, I'll have to find somewhere to live. The time that I get to spend with my son is valuable to me so I couldn't go out when I have him. I'm willing and lonely but there are too many complications.

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I decided when there are too many complications, it's life telling me that it's just not the right time ! ... or myself sabotaging myself.

If I could find a match who was okay with it all and my iffy schedule ... or okay with forging a friendship based on online communication, phone calls and the occasional fly-by meet for coffee or a quick lunch ... then I'd be in heaven.  

Unfortunately if a man has gone to trouble to place himself out there (much like us gals) ... he's ready willing and able for more ... or at very least should be.  I've determined I'm not right now and its unfair or nearly impossible to find someone on a "dating" site that does not want to start the date part right away.

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Originally Posted by Teri Lacy:
I decided when there are too many complications, it's life telling me that it's just not the right time ! ... or myself sabotaging myself.

If I could find a match who was okay with it all and my iffy schedule ... or okay with forging a friendship based on online communication, phone calls and the occasional fly-by meet for coffee or a quick lunch ... then I'd be in heaven.  

Unfortunately if a man has gone to trouble to place himself out there (much like us gals) ... he's ready willing and able for more ... or at very least should be.  I've determined I'm not right now and its unfair or nearly impossible to find someone on a "dating" site that does not want to start the date part right away.

That may be why I'm not having any luck because I stated I was looking for friends and nothing serious right now.

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Originally Posted by Michele McPhalen:
I'm not having any luck. All these guys saying they want to meet but none are messaging me. I'm not brazen enough to message them unless they respond first. Been lonely since my divorce and really just looking for friends right now because like Teri, things are a little complicated right now. About ready to give up.

Maybe try being a little more brazen.  If you see someone you think you might be interested in, why not message them and let them know? Someone has to open the lines of communication before anything can happen.  I was shy about doing that at first, but eventually I was doing it quite often....and met some very nice friends that way. And then there were slow times when it seemed like there was NO ONE out there, but I was never in a rush because...well...why would I be?..and my life was so busy anyway....sounds like yours is too!

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Originally Posted by Tiramisu Sue:

Originally Posted by Michele McPhalen:
I'm not having any luck. All these guys saying they want to meet but none are messaging me. I'm not brazen enough to message them unless they respond first. Been lonely since my divorce and really just looking for friends right now because like Teri, things are a little complicated right now. About ready to give up.

Maybe try being a little more brazen.  If you see someone you think you might be interested in, why not message them and let them know? Someone has to open the lines of communication before anything can happen.  I was shy about doing that at first, but eventually I was doing it quite often....and met some very nice friends that way. And then there were slow times when it seemed like there was NO ONE out there, but I was never in a rush because...well...why would I be?..and my life was so busy anyway....sounds like yours is too!

I remember in one of Barbara De Angelis' books she mentioned that a woman narrows her chances by waiting for or expecting the guy to make the first move, and if she really likes someone, then disregard conventional social roles and just tell him or ask him out. I couldn't agree more.

I'm not looking or available, but if I were, it wouldn't seem strange, inappropriate, backwards, etc, if a woman reached out to me first. I might actually like it. More so in person rather than dating forums, but if I'm out and about, regardless of my relationship status, my mind is usually racing in a variety of directions and I might simply not even notice a woman with my preoccupied-ness. Nothing like a simple "Hi" to at least knock on the person's door - mixaphorically speaking and get his attention. But,,,,, I also think a 'rules' gal (or guy) is rather self-defeating in most cases.

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Originally Posted by Tiramisu Sue:

Originally Posted by Michele McPhalen:
I'm not having any luck. All these guys saying they want to meet but none are messaging me. I'm not brazen enough to message them unless they respond first. Been lonely since my divorce and really just looking for friends right now because like Teri, things are a little complicated right now. About ready to give up.

Maybe try being a little more brazen.  If you see someone you think you might be interested in, why not message them and let them know? Someone has to open the lines of communication before anything can happen.  I was shy about doing that at first, but eventually I was doing it quite often....and met some very nice friends that way. And then there were slow times when it seemed like there was NO ONE out there, but I was never in a rush because...well...why would I be?..and my life was so busy anyway....sounds like yours is too!

Once again Sue, I think you are spot on ... I really think most of the guys ASSUME that the women are hit on so much they don't have a chance.  If you see someone you are interested in ... be pro-active !!!  

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I feel the same way, in that I have so much going on that I just don't have the time or energy to put into a relationship right now, but I do wonder if it is a self defeating prophecy. or my way of making me feel better so that I am not feeling bad for not being out and about dating?

I do understand where everyone is coming from tho and agree. I have a lot going on and have also been there as far as messaged the men on the sites and have sat back and waited for them to message me. Either way didn't make much difference. So who knows.