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Originally Posted by Teri Lacy:

Originally Posted by Michele McPhalen:

Originally Posted by Teri Lacy:
Here's something I did not think about that happened to me when I check my e-mails on a site yesterday.
There was a guy who expressed interest and sent an e-mail that I know ! ... lol.  He's a nice enough guy but not one I would consider dating OR I would have done so already ... right ?    So now I'm trying to craft a simple and direct response that let's him down gently (he seemed overly excited that I was available) ... suggestions ?

That's a good question, how to let someone down easy. Hmmmm.....I've thought about what I would say and I would take into consideration their interests and how they differ from mine and what I'm really looking for and how he doesn't meet the criteria and just explain "this is what I'm looking for and it is a requirement for me in order to find a good match." (runon sentence, sorry)

Is he unattractive? What is it about him that doesn't meet your criteria?

Thanks for responding Michele.  And don't worry about run on sentences, I do it ALL the time ... AND, I don't have my red pen out.

I think first and foremost, he was/is a friend of my Ex ... and that's always been a rule of mine:  no dating ex's friend (or girlfriend's ex boyfriends).  Secondly, he's sort of goofy ... and not in a good way.  I am witty, but tend towards a more dry wit so he sort of gets on my nerves.  He's not all that smart, I think I would get bored with him on that level.  He does not strike me as someone who would meet my passionate needs, I just could not imagine myself with him in that way.  No physical attractions whatsoever.  

I would say the safest thing to say is that you have a rule about dating friends of your ex and that you just don't see any common interests the two of you share.

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Dating sites are OK ... nothing wrong with them at all.

They just come with the same warning that any other markeplace would have ... caveat emptor!

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Do dating sites have Coupon Days?

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Originally Posted by Scott Terry:
Dating sites are OK ... nothing wrong with them at all.

They just come with the same warning that any other markeplace would have ... caveat emptor!

Like button.

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http://abcnews.go.com/US/woman-sues-match-sex-assault/story?id=13378401&page=1

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Originally Posted by Michele McPhalen:
http://abcnews.go.com/US/woman-sues-match-sex-assault/story?id=13378401&page=1

This was asked: “Should online sites do more to scan out sexual predators?”

I’ve seen many people over the years equate online dating risks with frequenting bars, bowling alleys, night clubs, etc, looking for partners. “There are risks no matter where you look”, so many people say, and I used to agree with this. But given the circumstances of the internet, it seems to me that the concentration of severe character disorder (or ‘sexual/social predators’) is much greater in online social areas than it is in traditional in-person venues. I feel that this relates to online dating risks being greater than in-person venues.

But how much greater is it? I dunno, perhaps this could be something the Robert Hares of the world could explore social pathologies on. But regarding online dating sites doing more to scan out sexual predators, I think it’s an interesting idea, and at a personal level I favor it, but I’m not sure it’s necessary widespread. I feel that if people learn to make smarter choices, then they, themselves, help to reduce their potential risks.

Elsewhere, ‘bad-boys’ was discussed. I feel that this personality stereotype is semantic and some definitions of this aren’t threatening. But when we’re cued into discerning traits like grandiosity, superficial charm, entitlement, excessive need for stimulation, manipulation, callousness and lack of empathy, poor behavior controls, sexual promiscuity, lack of realistic and long-term goals, impulsivity, remorselessness, irresponsibility, a regularity in short-term relationships, etc, and what these traits actually mean and look like, then we, ourselves, greatly improve our ability to make smarter and more informed social choices.

But I think the first step that’s really necessary before considering any of this is making sure we’re truly emotionally prepared for dating, regardless of where we look for it. I believe many (but not all) people enter into dating arenas carrying a LOT of unhealthy baggage. This greatly degrades a person’s ability to make smart dating choices. But then the question come to mind of dating sites doing whatever kind of check on applicants to make sure they’re emotionally fit for dating first, and that seems really very ridiculous to me.

I don’t see this problem going away anytime soon. And for how big a ‘problem’ it actually is, I think it’s hard to say. This particular news story only reflects this one woman anonymously speaking out and taking action. But how many people are victimized by someone they met from an online forum and remain unheard? Who knows, but I suspect the ratio is similar to prior studies on sexual abuse victims/survivors.

But another question comes to mind relative to all this. How do people feel about potential hook-ups doing legitimate background checks on them prior to meeting in person? This wouldn’t bother me personally. But there’s an unfortunate possibility here that I’m uncertain of; if a sexual predator does a background check on their next potential victim, does any of the information they’ve acquired from the check improve their predation? Here, I’m again back to people learning to make smarter choices.

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I heard this morning that Match.com will start screening for registered sex offenders.  That's a good thing, but you still need to be careful out there!

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I've tried Yahoo personals a couple of years ago, and met and dated a couple of times, also made some friends.  I think meeting someone in person first is always a plus.... Like the speed dating... I don't believe it's how you meet someone, that's just the marketing or introduction... It's after you meet, and start dating and interacting with each other that counts... People are just people, and some have good or hidden agendas no matter where you meet... On the web, on a dating site, on the job,etc.. Just be open, and careful at the same time....  I met my girlfriend at the airport. She was waiting in line, and I gave her my info... when I got on the plane, it was pretty empty,and no one was sitting next to me. When the plane leveled off, and the unfasten seat belt signs came on, she sat next to me. You never would know...  

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Well, I'm finding myself in the same predicament. I decided to go ahead and create a profile even though I know I'm not ready for anything serious. I'm just looking for friends. Well, this guy who had seen me on there the last time and tried to hook up with me is saying, "I thought you weren't ready to date". I told him, "If you read my profile, it says I'm just looking for friends."

However, if I ever do reach the point where I'm ready to date, he is not someone I would consider dating. He was already pushy when he tried to plan our first meeting the first time I was on the dating site. He planned to take me out to dinner and then told me, yes, told me he was staying at my place because he wasn't driving all the way back home.  

I hate to be rude, but I really have absolutely no interest in this guy.  Any ideas?

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Originally Posted by Michele McPhalen:
Well, I'm finding myself in the same predicament. I decided to go ahead and create a profile even though I know I'm not ready for anything serious. I'm just looking for friends. Well, this guy who had seen me on there the last time and tried to hook up with me is saying, "I thought you weren't ready to date". I told him, "If you read my profile, it says I'm just looking for friends."

However, if I ever do reach the point where I'm ready to date, he is not someone I would consider dating. He was already pushy when he tried to plan our first meeting the first time I was on the dating site. He planned to take me out to dinner and then told me, yes, told me he was staying at my place because he wasn't driving all the way back home.  

I hate to be rude, but I really have absolutely no interest in this guy.  Any ideas?

I tend to think a great many people in online dating sites, or even just general sites like Hi5, Facebook, Myspace, Ringo, Yahoo, etc, etc, don't really read anything past the profile picture. IMO, that alone is something to pay attention to. But if they do read it top to bottom and still pursue a sexual relationship when only 'friendship' was expressed, then that greatly speaks to their personal character and they could be a sexual predator.

Ideas? Block their profile and move on.

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One thing I do feel strongly about though is that if you're only looking for friendship, then a site specifically geared towards people finding romantic partners might not be the best place to participate in. I suspect that many other users in such an arena feel that if a person creates a profile there, then that automatically means that the person is looking for a partner of sorts, regardless of what the profile says. That might not be fair, but I suspect it's simply an internet reality.

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I am looking for friendship. That is the goal right now. If it evolves into a relationship later, I'm fine with that. I'm just not ready for it right now. I've just been lonely and it's been difficult trying to stick to my guns to remain single while I'm still getting everything in my life in order: finishing school, finding a job, getting my own place.  I think those things need to take priority over a relationship. I've been trying to find the block button to block him. I was able to block another individual after he sent me three messages. Here's a clue, if I don't answer your first message, I'm not going to answer the second or third or any subsequent messages.  I haven't been able to find the block feature since then.  

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Ok. Problem solved. Tell me if I was wrong but he was getting on my last nerve.  He responded with "Aren't we friends?" lol. That to me implies that I shouldn't be on the site looking for other friends and just touches me as a bit too pushy.  I told him, "No, we are not friends. I don't like people being pushy about friendship. I don't like people being pushy about staying at my place if I agree to go out with them." and I ended with:"I hope this answers your question because that's the last you'll hear from me." Yes, I'm in a foul mood and probably was a little harsh, but I really think he was too pushy for my tastes.

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I'm mixed on your predicament ... I too am facing it, somewhat.

On one hand I too just want a nice, easy friendship to start (dating) with the hope that it could develop into more.  That just seems logical to me knowing that not everyone I am meeting and dating is going to be "the one".  So to say I am looking for friendship / dating is pretty accurate.  And that is what I classify myself.  In the body of my profile I state that when time is right and we mutually agree, I could be open to more.  I hope the guys who take interest in me see this as baby steps ... no pressure ... let's meet and see where it goes.  I make that very clear and most guys appreciate the honesty.   Those who don't ... and pressure me raise a huge red flag ... BYE BYE.

On the other hand, if we are going to the trouble of putting ourselves out there on a dating site ... seems that gives off the impression that we are ready for more.  Double edge sword for those who simply want to get feet wet and date.  Again, if you feel pressure after being completely up front in your intention = red flag = bye bye.

I think honesty is best ... and you are being honest by saying friendship / dating.   Be careful !!!

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Thanks for your input Teri.  See, the fact that these sites offer the option of friendship should indicate it is not JUST for dating but everyone looks at these sites as exclusively for dating.  I may be wrong in assuming I can just find friends that might possibly evolve into a relationship. I'm already feeling pressure and I haven't really gotten to know anybody yet.  I'm beginning to feel like maybe I should just stay single for life if this is the way it's going to be (pressure cooker relationships).