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Loneliness can be curbed with other activities...If you have to ask when you are probably not ready. If it feels right do it...if not, wait until it feels right.

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Originally Posted by Shawn Ishness:

Originally Posted by Michele McPhalen:
I've been divorced about a year and so called experts say you should wait at least a year after a divorce to start dating again. My ex has already been dating but I haven't felt ready. Is it all a matter of personal preference, when you are ready. I don't know if I will ever be ready but I hate this lonely feeling I get. I just don't want to date so I'm "not lonely".

I think this is one of those things where a general time-frame can't really be defined; we all recover from failed or ended relationships at our own unique pace.

I think one thing is for certain; few people if any come out of a separation or divorce with truly healthy emotions, healthy temperaments, healthy personalities, etc; they're wounded, devastated, humbled, terrified, etc. Therefor, I think it's quite necessary that people newly single put forth a genuine effort to to experience stillness, acceptance, healing, reflection, growth, and solidarity in being single before even thinking about dating again.

I think it was about 2 or 3 years ago when a woman asked me "Shawn, when do you think you'll be ready to start dating again?" And I responded, "When I can look into myself and no longer see things that I know to be truly toxic to adult romantic relationships." In short, my highlighted text is my answer to your question.

But the trick of it is to know what really IS toxic to adult romantic relationships. This has shown to be really very controversial. But in and of that being something of controversy between two potential partners, that controversy (or differences of opinion) is a strong indication of incompatibility, or merely an indication of one's continued need to experience stillness, acceptance, healing, reflection, growth, and solidarity in being single before even thinking about dating again.

I think that's part of the problem. I'm having a hard time experiencing stillness, acceptance, and solidarity.  I don't like this being alone. Going crazy here, especially when I'm completely alone and my ex has my son. That is the hardest time for me.

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Originally Posted by Christian Hanchard:

Originally Posted by Michele McPhalen:
. I just don't want to date so I'm "not lonely".

That's what friends are for  ;-)

The only local friend I have to hang out with has been making me feel bad about myself. She's extremely judgemental and her answer for everything is to read my bible verses, which I do and it helps sometimes, but not all the time.

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Originally Posted by Michele McPhalen:

The only local friend I have to hang out with has been making me feel bad about myself. She's extremely judgemental and her answer for everything is to read my bible verses, which I do and it helps sometimes, but not all the time.

I didn't really go to church until I was in my 30's (since backslidden).  

One of my first thoughts was that I'd meet balanced people in the church.  And they are there.  However, I soon discovered there was a disproportionate share of unbalanced people in the church as well.  It makes sense since people are often drawn to God because of issues they have ... people who're struggling and need an anchor.

I'm not knocking them.  I'm glad they're there.  OTOH, a church friend can be just as toxic as someone who's not in the church ... holding a Bible and knowing verses doesn't insulate one.

A preacher friend gave me a simple formula to follow when it comes to people and things ... "That whiich doesn't add to my well-being should be subtracted."

Haven't mastered it.  But I understand it and am still working on it.

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Originally Posted by Jann Morrison Kostka:
ok, i've probably had a bit too much too drink tonight....

and I'm really disappointed cuz I thought we were going to get o go out and see my friends tonight....

but I have to tell ya.... my best times were when I was single and I was just hanging with my friends................

don't rush yourself, and don't let anyone rush you.

Well damn I guess you really had too much to drink because you posted this 3x!!!

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Michele,

Everyone here gave you great input.  There's nothing more I could possibly add.

You'll know when it's time..... trust yourself and just be patient.

(hugs)

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I don't have any friends to hang with. Could really use someone to talk to. Struggling today. Ex just asked me when I was going to be done with school because that's when I have to get out of this house. The house that I used MY retirement for a down payment for, the house that I searched for and found before our real estate agent even found anything comparable, the house that he's going to kick me out of when I'm done with school. I'm unemployed and trying to get my bachelor's degree. If I try to go back to work, I'll make nowhere near what I was making before and won't be able to finish school. Too much on my brain and nobody to talk to about it except for judgemental so-called Christian friend.

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Originally Posted by Michele McPhalen:
I don't have any friends to hang with. Could really use someone to talk to. Struggling today. Ex just asked me when I was going to be done with school because that's when I have to get out of this house. The house that I used MY retirement for a down payment for, the house that I searched for and found before our real estate agent even found anything comparable, the house that he's going to kick me out of when I'm done with school. I'm unemployed and trying to get my bachelor's degree. If I try to go back to work, I'll make nowhere near what I was making before and won't be able to finish school. Too much on my brain and nobody to talk to about it except for judgemental so-called Christian friend.

Hi Michele,,, I'm not trying to sound unsympathetic in saying this, but from reading your responses, it feels like you have too much actually going on in your life right now to be truly emotionally available for adult intimacy. However, that doesn't automatically mean not being emotionally available for a good friendship, but in saying friendship, I do mean adhering to the boundaries of friendship. But otherwise, I get the feel that adding adult intimacy into your current circumstances could be quite overwhelming right now.

And this next point may feel relative, maybe not. IMO, some people make the mistake of locating their 'center' in another human being - typically a romantic partner. I feel that it's most favorable that our center be located within ourselves, and I get the feel that you're out of touch with your center. But the process of developing and nurturing our center is really quite relative to what I mentioned before in experiencing stillness, acceptance, reflections, healing, etc. But with all the responsibilities and circumstances you've mentioned, I can certainly understand how focus can be or feel rather distorted. And if your focus really is distorted or blurred, then I think that's more reason not to feel free to pursue adult intimacy.

There's a song that suggests that 'love heals a broken soul', or something like that. And I feel in some circumstances that's somewhat true. But I think it's most favorable that the 'love' being referenced there actually comes from within, not externally. Granted, another 'partner' could very well spill a lot of love into your life right now, but there is the potential that it could influence things being even more difficult than they already are.

It feels like you're receiving a lot of loving vibes from your friends here in this forum, and being that they're your 'friends', I say lean on it - hard.

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Originally Posted by Michele McPhalen:
I think that's part of the problem. I'm having a hard time experiencing stillness, acceptance, and solidarity.  I don't like this being alone. Going crazy here, especially when I'm completely alone and my ex has my son. That is the hardest time for me.

I can certainly relate. When I was first separated, loneliness was exceptionally painful. But loneliness is one of the many things that undermines our ability to make good choices, particularly with people we quickly develop fundamental attractions to.

"Time" in itself doesn't cure loneliness. This is something one needs to be proactive with. Granted, it's much easier said than done, but it's necessary for a person to heal and redefine themselves coming out of a failed relationship. There are countless ways to do this, and typically, none of these ways has anything to do with seeking the next partner.

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This is why I've considered dating but ultimately decided against it because I know I'm not ready, emotionally or otherwise. I wouldn't have the time to devote to romance with school and I might be transferring feelings that are not cleared up from a 14 year marriage that went kaput.  I've gone on Plenty of Fish and met guys online but when it came down to actually meeting them in person, I've changed my mind and it hasn't really been fair to the men who thought they would get to meet me only to have me back out on it.

Friends are really what I need right now and I appreciate everyone's input in this forum.  

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Originally Posted by Michele McPhalen:
This is why I've considered dating but ultimately decided against it because I know I'm not ready, emotionally or otherwise. I wouldn't have the time to devote to romance with school and I might be transferring feelings that are not cleared up from a 14 year marriage that went kaput.  I've gone on Plenty of Fish and met guys online but when it came down to actually meeting them in person, I've changed my mind and it hasn't really been fair to the men who thought they would get to meet me only to have me back out on it.

Friends are really what I need right now and I appreciate everyone's input in this forum.  

Michele, try http://www.meetup.com/  They have meetup groups in almost every area, for all kinds of different interests. They have groups for people that just want to get out & do stuff, but don't want to do it alone. One of my sisters belongs to a few & she loves it. They have groups for walkers, bike riders, photographers, single moms, people that like to eat out but not alone, girls night out groups, scrapbooking groups, etc... you name it, they probably have a group for that. It's definately worth checking out. You can feel comfortable getting out doing stuff with a group, and could make some new friends along the way. Worth a shot.  

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Becky, that is such an awesome suggestion. I wish I would have thought of this.  

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Originally Posted by Rebecca Chastain:

Originally Posted by Michele McPhalen:
This is why I've considered dating but ultimately decided against it because I know I'm not ready, emotionally or otherwise. I wouldn't have the time to devote to romance with school and I might be transferring feelings that are not cleared up from a 14 year marriage that went kaput.  I've gone on Plenty of Fish and met guys online but when it came down to actually meeting them in person, I've changed my mind and it hasn't really been fair to the men who thought they would get to meet me only to have me back out on it.

Friends are really what I need right now and I appreciate everyone's input in this forum.  

Michele, try http://www.meetup.com/  They have meetup groups in almost every area, for all kinds of different interests. They have groups for people that just want to get out & do stuff, but don't want to do it alone. One of my sisters belongs to a few & she loves it. They have groups for walkers, bike riders, photographers, single moms, people that like to eat out but not alone, girls night out groups, scrapbooking groups, etc... you name it, they probably have a group for that. It's definately worth checking out. You can feel comfortable getting out doing stuff with a group, and could make some new friends along the way. Worth a shot.  

I joined Meetup a while back. Unfortunately, the only meetings they have here are the BNI ( Business Network meetings).

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Not technically divorced yet (though in my mind am)...I read a lot too about this...and the whole waiting one month per year of marriage...YIKES for me...(was married 28 years)...couldn't and still can't see myself waiting that long.

I went through those exact same feelings at first too Michele and questioned whether I would ever be ready to date again, or if I would even want to I was so hurt and burned.  Then oddly enough very slowly over time my feelings turned and I began to let everything go and realized I needed to move on for me.  It happened much quicker than I anticipated too.

I think it's up to the person in question and when they are ready.  For me it was realizing I was ready to move on and had let it all go of everything...there was nothing left there feelings **wise** for him.  Which I believe several have hit on above.  

You will know when you are ready..start out slowly...and if it's right...you will know that as well.

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Michele, I also just ready where you went on Plenty of Fish...for what it's worth, my input...I tried a couple of dating sites too...

Plenty of Fish I didn't like...it's free and I think the quality of men you could meet on there...well, let's just say made me a tad bit nervous...I was on there for maybe 6 hours and deleted my profile...  ; /

Of course as in any online site that is true as we all know it...and you have to be careful.

I went to match.com (had great luck there LOL   : )

But my suggestion is to go somewhere like that or eHarmony if you can do that...the quality of the site is a bit better...they do screen a little...and you can have a bit more input of your choice and privacy...