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The author of this book I’m reading (The 10 Convos You Must Have Before Getting Married) says that studies have shown that couples living together first before marrying doesn’t attribute to longer lasting relationships. I think this makes sense though.

Think about how more than half of all marriages end in divorce, or couples who do stay married but not all of them are happy and loving relationships, or how many steady dating couples never even make it to engagement.

Basically, most people make bad choices with whom they become involved with. So it doesn’t matter whether or not people live together first if they’re making bad relationship/partner choices right from the get-go.

However, I do think that the idea of living together first or having sex first before marriage is quite relative to compatibility.

Thoughts?

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Originally Posted by Shawn Ishness:

Thoughts?

Don't get married.
Live together.

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Originally Posted by Scott Terry:

Originally Posted by Shawn Ishness:

Thoughts?

Don't get married.
Live together.

The older I get, the more I'm absolutely agreeing with this. I still believe in marriage, but the continuity of my loving a woman and being committed in my relationship with her can't be dependent on it.

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I didn't live with my ex before we were married...(we were young)...we all pretty much know where that has landed....**ahem**

I'm a newbie to this...but ... I can see the advantages to living with someone and getting to know them before marriage... it takes a certain commitment out of marriage to work through things to be together...

I once knew a young couple recently that lived together for 4 years ... married and then divorced 3 months later ...

I think the answer is if find the right person, and the chemistry is there, you are going to know it and it's going to happen, and you want to be together without effort.... however I really think if you've been living together you really should know there's a problem with compatibility before you get to the altar

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My husband and I lived together for two years before we got married. Of course, he proposed within a week of meeting me and made me wait before actually tying the knot. LOL!

I think that it's all a matter of willingness to stay committed to your relationship. If you don't work at it, the marriage doesn't work. If one spouse cheats, the marriage doesn't work unless somehow by the grace of God the cheatee is able to forgive the cheater.  That goes either way whether you live together or not, but you do get to know someone's faults a lot quicker if you live with them first and decide whether it is something you are willing to put up with or are able to help that person make a positive change and compromise with you.

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I would always suggest knowing each other at least a year before getting married, and living together is a great way to get to know someone.

But...

It's not the living together before marriage that makes it work, it's the growing together during the marriage.

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Originally Posted by Tiramisu Sue:


It's not the living together before marriage that makes it work, it's the growing together during the marriage.

Very well said!

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My ex and I lived together for about 10 months before we were married, and then divorced 10 years later. In all, I relate my divorce to our both simply being too immature for marriage and we both made equally bad choices in being with each other. If someone were to have mentioned anything about "Compatibility" to me back in the early 90s, I would have fundamentally thought something like "Yea, we both like the show Rosanne, and we both don't want kids, so gosh, we MUST be compatible!" We were both painfully naive. Also, neither of us had good role models to help us understand what a healthy marriage looked like, that certainly didn't help much.

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At this point, I cannot imagine wanting to live with someone so getting married is way, way out of the question for me. I'm in favor of dating with occasional sleepovers, but mostly living in our own places.

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Originally Posted by Bob Clair:

Originally Posted by Tiramisu Sue:

It's not the living together before marriage that makes it work, it's the growing together during the marriage.

Very well said!

Yep, once again am agreeing with Sue.  I think at our age, we are going to know if we are compatible with someone with or without living with them.  AND people change, living together prior to that change down the road is probably not going to make a huge difference.    Younger folks who have different sets of priorities, and lack of life experiences, it might make a difference.

I can't see myself refusing to marry someone just because we had not lived together.  

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I have always said it takes about 2 years for the mask of infatuation to begin to slip... and then you begin to either love or put up with it or start to grow away. Jo and I dated 1.5 years, lived together for 8 months then split... then yerned for each other again until after 8 more months together we got married. I grew up and saw how much we were made for each other. Then, after some bumps, we knew we were born for each other.

but everyone is different

some take for EVER to come out of their closet. Some are who they are right when you meet'um.... but that is rare.

Infatuation is not love. We call it that, but it isn't.

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Originally Posted by Teri Lacy:
Yep, once again am agreeing with Sue.  I think at our age, we are going to know if we are compatible with someone with or without living with them.  AND people change, living together prior to that change down the road is probably not going to make a huge difference.    Younger folks who have different sets of priorities, and lack of life experiences, it might make a difference.

I can't see myself refusing to marry someone just because we had not lived together.  

If I could do it over again, I'd not married until I was at least 35 years old. Somewhere I read that prior to about our 35th birthday, we as individuals 'change' (or grow, evolve, etc) at much faster paces than we do after we're about 35 years old. I feel that's generally true, and I think it attributes to a lot of couples feeling quite compatible in their 20s and then suddenly in their 30s they start drifting apart. Granted, I think it might sometimes take an actual effort between couples to continue growing together, but that's talking about something a little different.

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Originally Posted by Marty Thethree:
Infatuation is not love. We call it that, but it isn't.

I think one thing that might confuse so many people is that they were socialized to believe that infatuation equals love, and then into adult hood they struggle to undo this misconception. And if a person lacks the ability to be brutally honest to themselves about themselves, then I suspect they live their entire lives believing in this misconception.

I think out here in the open this might seem like a no-brainer and probably Captain Obvious-ish to even say. But I do believe that many couples or people I see around me have failed to this. Also somewhere I read that many people put more effort into selecting a cell phone or carrier plan than they do in selecting an intimate partner, and again, I think this is true, but I'm betting many of these people confuse infatuation with love, go figure.

I was thinking about this while driving home from work today. I really do believe that many of my coworkers' only focus on compatibility is whether or not someone just happens to be 'free' at the moment (and regardless of their marital status),,,

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Originally Posted by Scott Terry:

Originally Posted by Shawn Ishness:

Thoughts?

Don't get married.
Live together.

Agree with part one, jury still out on part two.

One of my longer dalliances was 12 years living togther, married then parted within 6 months - go figure

Life is strange, my first serious live together partner and I lasted 3 years, but eventually were different people, however a shared child kept us in communication and she actually became my best friend until she sadly passed three years ago - it was a strange yet wonderful emotionally intimate relationship, close but without all the sexual shenanigans

Currently in the happiest relationship I've had, three years and counting - and we don't live together.

So I'm not sure - living together does seem a great way to get to know someone, as a person thoroughly, so you can make a well informed decision, marriage seems, perhaps only to me to signal a time to stop making an effort  for some.

I do know I have an issue with hedonic adaptation and probably need counselling, not that I stray, but I think my relationship emotional thought process arrested at the long-term dating stage, perhaps an attempt to keep that tingly magic going.

Horses for courses and all that - I do sometimes wish for that chocolate box cottage all couply and snuggly by the log-fire - I just can't realise it.

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Originally Posted by Teri Lacy:

Originally Posted by Bob Clair:

Originally Posted by Tiramisu Sue:

It's not the living together before marriage that makes it work, it's the growing together during the marriage.

Very well said!

Yep, once again am agreeing with Sue.  I think at our age, we are going to know if we are compatible with someone with or without living with them.  AND people change, living together prior to that change down the road is probably not going to make a huge difference.    Younger folks who have different sets of priorities, and lack of life experiences, it might make a difference.

I can't see myself refusing to marry someone just because we had not lived together.  

And I'm agreeing with Lacy!  

It's so much easier at this stage of our lives to know what works or not for us...due to...being grown up now, learning from our mistakes, not having that huge life-changing parenthood thing changing our relationship for better or worse, and...in my case...better at communicating on all levels.  Not to mention, in my 20's I felt the need to get married, and now...not so much!