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Normal is a word that we all understand.  And we all know it when we see it.

Yet, what "normal" really is ... is not normal from person to person.  I mean ... when we look around, we all see that we're living in a crazy world.  Yet, from the perspective of all those we see, their worlds are largely "normal" and we're the abnormal ones.

(scratching head)

So is there anything that you consider to be normal that others don't think is normal?  And how about what"s normal from one culture to another?

What is "normal" anyway?

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Something I'm dealing with right now, and has been discussed at length on this forum and others like it.  

Meeting people online and / or online dating.  I was talking to my brother about it over the weekend after a family function and my Mom overhead and about hit the ceiling.  Going on and on about how dangerous it is ... blah blah blah ... tried to tell her I've been doing it for years and I'm still alive and no more "bruised" from the experience that I am from the people I've met in more "normal" ways ...

She just could not get it ... and is now on a mission to find me a nice, normal guy so I'll stop this nonsense.  This I would say is a generational difference of what is and is not "normal".

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So what would this "normal" guy be like from your Mom's perspective?

Would your Mom's normal be different than yours?

And this is a good example for my own normal ... for me, it's perfectly normal to be single.  It's when I've been in relationships that abnormal starts to come out.  But then, that's happened so much, that it's normal for my relationships.  Two types of normal that are diametrically opposed.

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Originally Posted by Scott Terry:

So what would this "normal" guy be like from your Mom's perspective?

Would your Mom's normal be different than yours?

And this is a good example for my own normal ... for me, it's perfectly normal to be single.  It's when I've been in relationships that abnormal starts to come out.  But then, that's happened so much, that it's normal for my relationships.  Two types of normal that are diametrically opposed.

My Mom's idea of "normal" = Catholic, someone whose family we know (preferably grew up with), from my home town, someone "like us".  And yes my Mom's normal is different from my own.  Although the guy she would choose for me is more than likely swell ... just not for me ... I doubt he would intrigue or excite or challenge me.   I've tried.

It is becoming more and more normal for me to be single ... I do however think that sad, for me ... and I want to change it.

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Serious question (for a change) ...

Why is it sad to be single?

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Originally Posted by Scott Terry:

Serious question (for a change) ...
Why is it sad to be single?

It is sad for me because I do not feel I am meant to be alone right now in this point of my life ... I'm ready to share myself completely with someone again ... for the first time in a long time I miss the intimacy ... the oneness ... in recent years it's not seemed all that important to me ... and I did not desire it ... now I do ... I just do ... so to me, being alone is sad.

It's okay if it's not sad for you ... I was there before and now I'm not.   Does that make sense at all ?

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Originally Posted by Teri Lacy:

Originally Posted by Scott Terry:

Serious question (for a change) ...
Why is it sad to be single?

It is sad for me because I do not feel I am meant to be alone right now in this point of my life ... I'm ready to share myself completely with someone again ... for the first time in a long time I miss the intimacy ... the oneness ... in recent years it's not seemed all that important to me ... and I did not desire it ... now I do ... I just do ... so to me, being alone is sad.

It's okay if it's not sad for you ... I was there before and now I'm not.   Does that make sense at all ?

Sure.  It makes a lot of sense.  And I'm not knocking it at all ... I know my normal is far from most people's normal.

I was just curious.

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I think 'normal' in it's colloquial usage typically resembles what's most common or what commonly socially accepted as what 'ought' to be. Therefore, I think 'normal' merely resembles the most open and conventional opinion, regardless of whether or not it's authentic within each person. I love this because it demonstrates the vast power of socialization.

Before work today, I thought about how 'abnormal' my eating habits are. On a typical day, I might not eat my first meal (breakfast?) until sometimes between 10am to 11:30am. And then my second meal (lunch?) is somewhere between 3pm to 6pm. And then my last meal, which is often cereal, a food typically reserved for breakfast, comes between about 8:30pm to 10pm. It's normal (habitual) for me, and maybe quite abnormal in my parent's eyes who typically had breakfast by 7am, lunch by 11 to 1pm, and then supper (dinner?) by 5pm. So which is normal?

But back on the idea that 'normal' resembles the most open and conventional opinion, why is something so awful like Murder, for example, considered illegal? In a sense, it's because most people (thank God!) feel it's an immoral act and agree that it's illegal to do so. But psychopaths are thought to populate the general population by 1% (which I question!), which obviously translates to 1 in 100 people. Sociopaths, cousin to psychopaths, also equal about 1% (4% depending on who you ask), which is ANOTHER 1 in 100 people. Ok, but what about Machiavillians? Or even those severely narcissistic engaged in a routine rage? That's not to mention all those who meet cut diagnoses for any range of mental disorders that could result in unconscionable acts. All this together adds up to a LOT of people capable of murder, but not just capable of murder, but actually see nothing wrong with it.

In moving in a bit of another relative direction, it's thought that, for example, psychopathy exists as 50% genetic. IMO, this could also be a DOMINANT gene, and, psychopaths are largely sexually promiscuous. That yields a LOT of unwanted babies carrying genes for psychopathy. BUT, back to the immense power of socialization, most psychopaths aren't aware that they're psychopaths, but they don't all overtly engage in common psychopathic maladaptive behaviors - because they're 'socialized' not to. Therefore, they might openly opine their views of murder being wrong, but deep down, they're confused as to why they don't really mean it.

The reason I blatted all that is because, if by chance psychopathy became more and more socially pervasive, the more and more people couldn't discern the moral wrongness of murder. And if in the evolution of humanity our conduit with conscience became largely lost, then it could be possible that the majority (normal) opinion of murder is that it's - normal. To all that blatt, I say thank God most people are conscionable (normal).

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Originally Posted by Scott Terry:

So what would this "normal" guy be like from your Mom's perspective?

Would your Mom's normal be different than yours?

And this is a good example for my own normal ... for me, it's perfectly normal to be single.  It's when I've been in relationships that abnormal starts to come out.  But then, that's happened so much, that it's normal for my relationships.  Two types of normal that are diametrically opposed.

I very much agree that it's normal for grown adults to be single, but I'm not sure if we agree on why.

We're both single and divorced guys over 40. Our experiences are unique, yet still experiences nonetheless. In my singlehood since my divorce, I've come to feel that most people are incompatible specifically with regards to long-term intimate relationships. Overall, I do feel that we're a fairly simple species, yet fairly complex in our relateability with others. And in that complexity comes an infinite range of opportunity for dysfunction with others, particularly with intimate relationships.

So, I feel that we're normally incompatible with probably 99% of the available population specifically regarding intimate relationships. And since that 1% seems to be or maybe just could be an improbability in our finding a truly compatible partner, I feel that singlehood is normal. But maybe that 99% is just me? (which I hope is likely, btw) But is it possible that our compatibility truly changes if we improve our ability to be tolerant? Or is tolerance really just a form of lying to ourselves? But then, lying to ourselves is - a 'normal' human process.

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What's considered normal changes with each person you ask. I feel folks like to draw a little line around certain ideas and call it 'normal' so they feel safe and have a nice guideline with which they can 'grade' other people.
We are all truly unique; I think making boundaries around our own ideas of normalcy  just leads to bias, conflicts, unmet expectations and depression.

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Originally Posted by Scott Terry:

Serious question (for a change) ...

Why is it sad to be single?

I think this involves a lot of personal projection in those who believe this to be true of singles.

One thing that does quickly come to mind, though, is self-image. I suspect some parents from older generations feel a bit of embarrassment when their kids remain single or get divorced because they, themselves, have been socialized to believe that pair-bonding is 'normal' and divorce is 'wrong.' And when their children aren't married or in serious relationships, or they get divorced, I think the parents might perceive their own observers as seeing them as bad parents for not knowing how to raise children who know how to get and stay married....  or something like that.

IMO, what's really sad is having a toxic understanding of love and relationships and only ever able to exist in dysfunctional relationships.

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Originally Posted by Wendy Vinca:
What's considered normal changes with each person you ask. I feel folks like to draw a little line around certain ideas and call it 'normal' so they feel safe and have a nice guideline with which they can 'grade' other people.
We are all truly unique; I think making boundaries around our own ideas of normalcy  just leads to bias, conflicts, unmet expectations and depression.

(LIKE)

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A couple of thoughts:

Someone told me yesterday that I'm not normal because I can only wink with my left eye and not my right.  But....I've always been this way, so it's perfectly normal for me!  

And now, after reading Shawn's posts, I'm wondering what percentage of psychopaths are compatible with each other.  Is that normal?

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Originally Posted by Tiramisu Sue:
And now, after reading Shawn's posts, I'm wondering what percentage of psychopaths are compatible with each other.  Is that normal?

They're not truly compatible with any other human being. They're very much loners, regardless of all their charm, charisma, and seemingly great personalities they posture. Granted, they might understand each other, but that understanding alone would only amplify their incompatibility between them, particularly with the more self-aware ones.

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Originally Posted by Shawn Ishness:

]I very much agree that it's normal for grown adults to be single, but I'm not sure if we agree on why.

We're both single and divorced guys over 40. Our experiences are unique, yet still experiences nonetheless. In my singlehood since my divorce, I've come to feel that most people are incompatible specifically with regards to long-term intimate relationships. Overall, I do feel that we're a fairly simple species, yet fairly complex in our relateability with others. And in that complexity comes an infinite range of opportunity for dysfunction with others, particularly with intimate relationships.

So, I feel that we're normally incompatible with probably 99% of the available population specifically regarding intimate relationships. And since that 1% seems to be or maybe just could be an improbability in our finding a truly compatible partner, I feel that singlehood is normal. But maybe that 99% is just me? (which I hope is likely, btw) But is it possible that our compatibility truly changes if we improve our ability to be tolerant? Or is tolerance really just a form of lying to ourselves? But then, lying to ourselves is - a 'normal' human process.

For me, it's not much of a mystery.  I know why.

I'm a freak magnet who's also (unknowingly) been attracted to freaks.

So my relationships have been a lot more painful and crazy.

OTOH, single's been much more fulfilling and happy.  So it's no wonder why I like it.