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im kinda back. only until i go somewhere with no wireless access tho. *rubs temple* things will calm down in time. inshallah.

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Im so dang cold all the time. Im sick of winter. It is like my kryptonite- the cold is. Suddenly too, its like the coldest winter ever but other people are like "Eh, its not been so bad." Showers are a relief. I guess its like re-climating my body to the temp. F this cold. Seriously, no wonder people want to move to hawaii and arizona. This is bullshit, and i loved fall and winter. Well guess what? im breaking up with winter. I am. This is inhumane and inhibiting to my everyday activities 'cos of the anxiety i receive upon that first cold blast when the door opens. Like japanese water torture, but with the cold.

So, i only love fall now, and am going to give spring a try despite the whole tornado and hail storm thing. You know, summer is so two-faced. wonderful, perfect in the evening. but to hell-ish-i-ly hot to tolerate during the day. Unless you sleep all day and then are only up at night, but thats kinda difficult with children. And reality also. *shrugs. Summer is like, bi-polar or something. Thats mean, to make it so hot while im awake? Intolerable and also inhibiting my rights and freedoms. Winter and summer are dictators. Or men, face  it. I know. I was devastated at first two. But its ok. *Sighs*


Alright goodbye till when ever i get internet access again...

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We drove past these homeless men with signs on the side of the road. Im homeless too, again. Its a long story quickly summerized by saying my mother lied to me saying we were being evicted due to foreclosure. So, gullibly, i believe her and make arrangements. Switching the kids school, and insurance over. I even signed a 90 day custody agreement thinking we wouldnt have a roof over our heads, and thats ok for me, but not for the kids who have a father holding a job, with a huge house a car...


I felt i had no other choice. I was led to believe the floor was falling through. But it never was. IT never was. I paid my rent, cooked, cleaned, did all the homemaker things one must do to maintain a house and yard. She drank and cleaning soothed me. I have hardly written anything in weeks. The moment th eyear changed to 2011 everything went to hell, and i often wonder if this isnt the real 2012; which to be honest i dont really believe in. *shrugs* But ill tell you what- this past year so far has been hell on earth. seriously. Not just for me being vain about my own situation but for       THE ENTIRE WORLD. Its falling apart everywhere. Everywhere and it sort of makes me want to curl up in a ball aqnd die. But also, i dont give up. I enjoy pushing myself. I do. Testing my own limits.


This no internet thing drives me crazy tho. Its like that joke when people ask you "Have you been living under a rock???"
and without the internet i am. So i answer them "yes, for ive been internet free, and itd hell being locked off from the entire world. Choked off from my fellow human beings. I cant check on anyone. It drives me nuts. I store everything online, so that if my cpu craps out i wont lose my pics, or music ect ect.  Thank goodness for windows media player, lol.


It isnt so nerve wracking the whole couch hopping thing. But no money is really begining to bring me down. I mean, god always gives me a warm couch, with freinds and love. He gave this last mountain trip we went on, where i got barefoot standing straight on the earth for the first time in months. I sat in the sun, and smoked a cigerette, petting a kitty. And i was content. Through aching muscles from rock climbing- I didnt want to leave that wall, that patch of sunlight, that pretty kitty... But i must move along. Keep moving. I cant tap all my resources at once. I must reserve myself.



The sickest part of all this is- i asked god for it asa child. I prayed to be a gypsy (whom at least make money ffs) to have a life full, and with valid inspiration to be a decent writer. Yes, sometimes it takes years for our prayers to be answered, the ones we mske as children, and we eventually become adults. Seeing that we became what we wanted to be but- it isnt so nice you know. Careful what you wish for = careful what you pray for. And be wise enough to know when its a good, or bad sign. Thats the hardest part.



So here i am. Back on the streets. I never thought id see this again. but driving past those men, i realized how lucky i am. al humdulillah. God loves me, because ive been nothing but comfortable. Just lonely for my children. For my old routine. I cant do this for much longer. I am to little for the big world alone maybe. Not even my son bryons hand to hold. And i am scared, and i am lonely but i can not complain. I just cant, ive been so comfy everywhere i go. Its like i have 5-6 places to go. But i stick to the homes more so than the places. Nobody would suspect, im well dressed, with a netbook and a cell phone. A nice camara, cute shoes. All in a giant black soccer/duffle bag about as big as i am. Its been this way for about 3 weeks. I havnt fallen apart obviously. I am rather steady and not freaking out, so thats good. ITs a plan, i must make. I was so focused on assuring myself the kids had a roof with their father and were in school, fed ect. I hardly gave a thought to myself- just them. Hence the position im in now.

The worst of it is the lonliness you know. IVe always had a lot of people around. Even before the kids, i always had tons of roommates in one little apartment (even then i was the responsible one, lol) Always surroundeded myself with people and i feel so isolated now.

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im still so isolated. I dont know where to go. my kids and family are split across the state and i wantto be with my kids, close to them, but the cheap rent and apartments/townhomes i can actually afford are all the way across the state by the mounains. My kids are on the beginning of the great plains. My mother and brother are somewhere in betweeen there, and i- well. I am like this ghost. In all places at once ,and nowhere. Like a ninja, like batman, like a gypsy. Everywhere, and nowhere. everybodies cousin, and nobodies at the same time. I am lost. Chaos swirling around me with no grounding point. No safe place to put my feet- all this ice will surely crack if i tread farther- but theres wolves behind me, unafraid. Theres snakes in the trees, and maggots crawling all over the ground, and im no princess. Im trash like the rest of them ,andits time to just let that fact sink in i suppose.  look at me. Just look. I am that girl. the one people spit on as they walk by. The one at the pawnshop for 50 bucks- but i AM WARM. SPIT ON ME,WHATEVER, iLL FIND A FREINDS HOUSE AND SHOWER MOTHER FUCKER.

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its not always so bad, i just get pissy sometimes... sorry.

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life is a nomad that searches for a place to just be to just finally say I'm home.
Be home soon Sama Girl.

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i found a nice roommate, and a nice place to stay. Im safe finally. and warm, thank god. I see my kids all the time and talk to them most everyday. Im job hunting, and havnt asked a single person for a dime. And i wont. I have gotten this far alone, i will finish this alone, and figure it out. I wont even text my freinds when i get lost. I just figure it out on my own. (*, i dont know this part of town and get lost almost daily *) So thats where things are at...