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I’m reading a book of his titled “Your Sacred Self” by Wayne W. Dyer, and I’ve grown really very suspect of this person. Anywho, on one page, he talks about how you can be completely in love with someone whom you occasionally feel hate for. This resonated with me really very poorly.

In looking back into my marriage, there were times I genuinely felt hate for my ex, but also in looking back, I can see that I wasn’t truly in love with her either. And with how I feel about love now, I can’t comprehend how we can truly ‘hate’ someone if we’re truly in love with them. I can certainly understand anger one in a great while (but not chronically!), but anger is very different from hate.

What do you think?

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I've read a lot of Dr. Dyer's work ... and have enjoyed it.

I get what he means.  Put it into context with the idea that you cannot have strong emotions towards someone you do not really care about.    True emotions.  Not like disdain or contempt for the rapist or the child murderer, that's different.   Only those you really care about can hurt you deeply.  

Being a very passionate person, I get it.  I allow myself to get it.  Some might not.  

I've often heard there is a fine line between love and hate ... I agree.   Just like there is a fine line between sanity ... and crazy as a loon.

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If one considers love to be an emotion, then what Dyer said could be very problematic.

It's not problematic for me because I believe love is a decision.  Love is something you do ... it's a verb ... and the emotion is really just the barometer of love.

Given that perspective, we should strive to make as many deposits as possible in the love account.  When we do this, the trust fund can easily weather occasional bad investments or withdrawals.

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Scott, are you familiar with Barbara De Angelis's "Love Bank" theory? Your last paragraph has a lot of resemblance with that.

But one thing about withdrawals, mixaphorically speaking, I think they can be done innocently, ignorantly, or even maliciously. Sometimes we unconsciously do something unloving when we actually meant it to be loving. This was demonstrated in the movie "Hitch" when Hitch takes his date to (um, what island was that?) to show her long-past deceased relative's name in a book, only to find out that it was painful for her because that relative was actually a murderer.

Ignorantly, in that our human flaws can unfortunately become us. This is demonstrated typically by a woman venting to her partner and he responds with a "Fix it" attitude when all she wanted was a non-judging and receptive ear.

Maliciously,,,, well, the sky's the limit here....

Anywho, with as subjective and semantic as love seems to be, I agree that love is a verb, but it also resonates with emotion for me. Or maybe as far as emotion goes, maybe love is the sum of various other subordinate emotions, feelings, and thoughts. Who knows, I hope to find out someday

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I think I've read Barb's book.  And there's a smidgen of Gary Smalley in there too.

And sure, you're right.  The withdrawals can happen for a lot of reasons, with intent or without, maliciously or innocently.  Just as long as the deposits exceed the withdrawals by a good margin, your relationship should be able to weather it.

Of course, this all presumes an initial prelude of attraction and compatability.

But even if that's not there, the odds are that it'll produce a great relationship.

To me, it's a probability thing.  No guarantees.  Even so, there are things you can do to increase your chances of success.

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Originally Posted by Teri Lacy:


I've often heard there is a fine line between love and hate ... I agree.   Just like there is a fine line between sanity ... and crazy as a loon.

I've said that many times myself. It takes a lot of emotion to love someone. ditto for hate. They are both passionate expressions of emotion.

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Originally Posted by Scott Terry:

I think I've read Barb's book.  And there's a smidgen of Gary Smalley in there too.

And sure, you're right.  The withdrawals can happen for a lot of reasons, with intent or without, maliciously or innocently.  Just as long as the deposits exceed the withdrawals by a good margin, your relationship should be able to weather it.

Of course, this all presumes an initial prelude of attraction and compatability.

But even if that's not there, the odds are that it'll produce a great relationship.

To me, it's a probability thing.  No guarantees.  Even so, there are things you can do to increase your chances of success.

I agree! The only thing I'd add is compatibility. I know some people who would rather not marry their partner until they've had a chance to see how their potential spouse reacts to such withdraws and subsequent aftermath - mixaphorically speaking. But then I suspect that can be fairly limiting because who knows if such circumstances would even ever arise. This kind of reminds me of MJ Fox's expression, and to change it a little, in marriage, striving for perfection would be God's work, but excellence is a reasonable goal, and having a long and healthy history of deposits seems - well, excellent  

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Originally Posted by Jann Morrison Kostka:

Originally Posted by Teri Lacy:

I've often heard there is a fine line between love and hate ... I agree.   Just like there is a fine line between sanity ... and crazy as a loon.

I've said that many times myself. It takes a lot of emotion to love someone. ditto for hate. They are both passionate expressions of emotion.

Well I guess the two of us agree then, Jann ... lol ... not sure why it all has to be so complex or whether its really something to be analyzed.  Sometimes the emotion of love cannot  be explained nor understood.  I think sometime, ya just have to go for it when you feel it.  Accept the love you are given for the amount of time you have it ... if it wanes, move on being a better person for the time you had together.  Or not.

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Everyone has good points and I agree with a little of it all.

I'm opposed to the word 'hate' overall when it involves other people. To me that is so deep and so serious there isn't recovery from it for me. For me to hate, something has happened that is plain evil.

...I've been pissed, disappointed, lied to and betrayed but I don't hate these people for that. People are fallible at the core so I try to forgive and move on...In the few cases where I haven't found that possible, I cut them from my life before I let it eat me alive or focus on feeling something like hate.

(I'm thinking this thread is more along the lines of loving somebody who you can't stand at times........now I've been THERE, LOL)

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Originally Posted by Wendy Vinca:
Everyone has good points and I agree with a little of it all.

I'm opposed to the word 'hate' overall when it involves other people. To me that is so deep and so serious there isn't recovery from it for me. For me to hate, something has happened that is plain evil.

...I've been pissed, disappointed, lied to and betrayed but I don't hate these people for that. People are fallible at the core so I try to forgive and move on...In the few cases where I haven't found that possible, I cut them from my life before I let it eat me alive or focus on feeling something like hate.

(I'm thinking this thread is more along the lines of loving somebody who you can't stand at times........now I've been THERE, LOL)

I agree,  I would rather cut the offensive someone out of my life, why waste the time and engry on hate. Its healthier and more postive to simply   move on to someone more desirable with whom I am more compatible.    

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Originally Posted by Sherry Holiday:

Originally Posted by Wendy Vinca:
Everyone has good points and I agree with a little of it all.

I'm opposed to the word 'hate' overall when it involves other people. To me that is so deep and so serious there isn't recovery from it for me. For me to hate, something has happened that is plain evil.

...I've been pissed, disappointed, lied to and betrayed but I don't hate these people for that. People are fallible at the core so I try to forgive and move on...In the few cases where I haven't found that possible, I cut them from my life before I let it eat me alive or focus on feeling something like hate.

(I'm thinking this thread is more along the lines of loving somebody who you can't stand at times........now I've been THERE, LOL)

I agree,  I would rather cut the offensive someone out of my life, why waste the time and engry on hate. Its healthier and more postive to simply   move on to someone more desirable with whom I am more compatible.    

Good advice!

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I think it takes way too much effort to hate and I am not willing to do that for anyone. It takes conscious effort that I refuse to waste. I have never loved anyone and hated him at the same time. I have, however, disliked some things about that person, but there is a huge difference between disliking behavior and hating the person . . .

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Originally Posted by Donna Brown:
I think it takes way too much effort to hate and I am not willing to do that for anyone. It takes conscious effort that I refuse to waste. I have never loved anyone and hated him at the same time. I have, however, disliked some things about that person, but there is a huge difference between disliking behavior and hating the person . . .

Exactly! I tell my kids that hate is a waste of emotion!~

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I agree with everyone who says hate is a wasted emotion ... a huge energy suck for sure.  I also agree with Donna and Jann's comments.  

When my daughter would do something awful, and then try to play the sympathy card "You hate me," ... I'd always tell her "I don't hate you, but I really dislike what you've done" speech.  

Hate is pretty interesting though, to the extreme of the emotion spectrum.  Or maybe rather those who give in to the emotion.  I'm not really sure if I can put into words what I'm thinking (bad lupus brain jumble this morning).  French philosopher, René Descartes viewed hate as an awareness that something is bad combined with an urge to withdraw from it.   So then is it somewhat of a defense mechanism ?  I find that interesting ... fear driving hatred ?   Maybe in some instances.

In the end it is really a choice ... who (and what) we give our time and energy too ... and show emotion towards.  I think some are better at it than others.  I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve ... but I'm learning.   I tend to only be affected by those I care deeply about ... the rest, I might get slightly annoyed at but its not going to ruin my day.  I've not got the spare energy for that.

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Originally Posted by Wendy Vinca:
Everyone has good points and I agree with a little of it all.

I'm opposed to the word 'hate' overall when it involves other people. To me that is so deep and so serious there isn't recovery from it for me. For me to hate, something has happened that is plain evil.

...I've been pissed, disappointed, lied to and betrayed but I don't hate these people for that. People are fallible at the core so I try to forgive and move on...In the few cases where I haven't found that possible, I cut them from my life before I let it eat me alive or focus on feeling something like hate.

(I'm thinking this thread is more along the lines of loving somebody who you can't stand at times........now I've been THERE, LOL)

I think there's an interesting twist that can happen when we take non-hateful paths away from someone who's wronged us (like infidelity for example). I've often suspected my ex bears a lot of resentment towards me because I never expressed hate towards her or done hateful things in response to her infidelity. In a sense, I suspect that's a bit of a tragedy on her behalf because her desire for my hate and her resentment in response to that might just be holding her back from truly growing in her life. And sense I carry no ill-will for her, her growing forward in her life is really all I wish for her now.